my husband is driving my daughter away
The things she listed that her daughter is into isnt mindless pop culture. I hated being around my father because it was constant criticism about my interests, which frankly, felt very personal because I was deficient for not being what he wanted. July 2, 2013, 10:32 am. I adore them and love them as people, not just my parents. A lot of them could lean into things he likes Firefly could lead into an interest in science. Bring stakes with them in case vampires show up. The thing is, what the father is doing is rude. July 3, 2013, 12:54 am, Uh oh some you will be called BSLBH. But, of course, that would require HIM to take an interest in something his daughter likes in order to find that common ground. Over time, you may have begun to feel a little desperate, wondering if there wasnt some sort of underlying game going on. So I think there is a bit of a content based bias at work in some of this stuff you were already doing worthwhile things, so his dismissal of them was, in addition to being mean/cruel, just plain wrong (as in incorrect/inaccurate.) 6napkinburger Its her birthday today So Im taking her out for a steak dinner and then were going to watch fireworks (which she has decided the city has put on for her). I was/am (?) July 2, 2013, 12:06 pm. I agree with Wendy here. To care for our two young kids. July 2, 2013, 4:01 pm. I guess all dads watch that Wow, you just brought back memories! I think she may even already suspect this otherwise why ask you to approach him on her behalf? I love all things Hitchcock now, and not because she brainwashed me if she had her way, Id also love The Three Stooges and The Twilight Zone, and Im not nearly as crazy about those. So insightful! Your days of Tigerbeat should be long tempered by now. That means the communication isnt effective and it may be that your husband has to hear this from someone outside the situation. July 2, 2013, 12:28 pm. I was like 7.) I was just trying to illustrate (like Wendy did) to the LW that it can be amazing when a father with very different interests introduces a kid to something they may not otherwise have been introduced to, even forcefully to a degree. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? And then it was like ok, you dont have to do that (not that I ever DID have to, I wanted to go, and then discovered it sucked). So, dont deprive your daughter of the sort of things you learn about life when doing not fun things with one of your parents. Id say the exact same thing if your roles were reversed here, and somehow she ONLY wanted to watch the History Channel and go hiking. He may feel like hes being left out or that he isnt good enough for his daughter. lets_be_honest The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. My parents werent interested in that stuff. My husband has a son from a previous relationship and my husband treats him sooo badly. Obviously, this is as much your husbands job as it is yours, but right now it seems hes threatened by the bond you share with your daughter and is acting childish. My daughter and I are a lot like you and yours. Remember, your relationship with your spouse should come first. If the emotional and sexual connections were rewarding, you may have been intrigued by the Houdini-like escape pattern. My dad patiently put up with and even encouraged me in my obsessions. Seriously. The whole time I was reading the letter, I was thinking, Shit if he acts like this toward his daughter, how does he treat his wife? A my worldview is the best worldview type of parenting works out for no one, as my mother found out. FIONA SAYS: It's never too late to change patterns so long as he's willing. But it isnt you guys against him. He then referred to it as anti-hunting shit, and we werent allowed to like it. Its great that the LW naturally shares so much with her daughter, but the girl needs to spend time with her father as well, even if it doesnt seem like the most interesting thing at the time. But he can be a great dad regardless. Instead, try to understand why they are pulling away and what you can do to support them during this time. He would watch Full House or something with us. Then stress that it's not too late to re-engage with his with family, the solution lies with him. I do understand how easily this Mom couldve gotten caught up in her ways of teaming up with the kid. Your email address will not be published. Its awesome to have your children engaged in the world (government, politics, history, etc). If not, don't let this spoil your friendship and do what you can to keep her busy with other things so that she has less time to focus on this guy. How the Courts Respond to Parental Substance Use. And relinquish some of your time with her so that your husband can have a chance to nurture his own relationship with her.. Hell, even back in my day it wasnt that hard. I feel like this could have been written by my mom, to an extent. I dont know if its The Best thing, but its very important and Im glad for all the things he exposed me to. Its like a circle of hell specifically for we of the ADHD. Id like you to point out the things that you find fun or interesting along the way so I can see it from your eyesand then next week, the new Star Trek movie is out on DVD, so I would love for you to watch it with me. I thought you might like it because of x,y, and z. Placing a child in the position of having to be loyal to one parent at the expense of the other parent is heinous and very damaging to the child. He. 2. So, encourage her to spend time with him. Hed had a lot to drink and wanted sex right then. I wish Id been closer to my mother growing up, but now that Im almost 30, were as close as can be, so maybe itll just take a few years. I can look back on those time I was forced to go mini golfing with my dad and smile, because I know how happy it made him, and I always ended up having fun, too! July 15, 2013, 3:10 pm. When you did actually accurately zero in once in a while, you may have thrived enough on the intermittent reinforcement to hang in for subsequent disappointing rounds. We are extremely close and love doing the same things. Not for a minute did I think she was missing out on anything because of not having a dad, as she had my dad and my brother to fill those fatherly roles. I notice myself not racing to pick up my daughter from. Hah! He broadened my view of the world, showed me things that I wouldnt have seen without him. Her daughter should stop liking it just because her mother likes it. July 3, 2013, 9:47 am. July 2, 2013, 11:06 am. They Dont Want Their Marriage To End Up Like Yours, 4. Maybe shell end up in the entertainment industry, or become a writer. The LWs husband sounds like my father. Agreed. I resented how I wasnt allowed to pursue my own interests, and how the only interaction from my father was doing something he wanted or berating us about not having his interest and how stupid our own interests were. Yeah, apparently mine were fans all along, but there were no records in the house, unlike the other two. lets_be_honest But are there REALLY that many teen girls into Star Trek? Im not sure why people think it makes you a bad parent to tell your kid that you dont enjoy some of the same stuff they enjoy and that they can do that when you arent around. If he had been the one to write to me, Id be giving him an earful, believe me), but it only means you need to step up and be MORE parental, which includes putting your daughters interests first. TONS of teenagers are interested in Buffy, Firefly, and (new) Star Trek. Lastly, I'm so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide . If your daughter has seen how much pain and suffering can come from being in an unhappy marriage, she may not want to put herself through the same thing later on down the road. July 3, 2013, 1:06 am, Honestly, no matter WHAT the mom was a fan of my response would have been the same. my parents made us go to church every Sunday then come home and watch meet the press. I think this is what the LW needs to communicate to her husband. In fact, according to a recent study, nearly one in four people say they would encourage their parents to get a divorce if they were unhappy in their marriage. He is honest, reliable, and sincere. Wendys relationship with her parents as a young girl feels ridiculously close with my relationship with my parents. My dad actually doesnt have a whole lot of interests, and if he does, he doesnt like them enough to pursue them. I was an athlete and a complete girly girl (still am), so my dad got his sports buddy and princess in one child my sister was not into sports or girly things. Actually, my husbands a pretty big fanboy in general. Is there crap out there? How are those pre-teen interests? painted_lady July 2, 2013, 12:45 pm. This is partly why it can be so challenging to get a cognitively impaired individual to stop driving. My parents eventually got divorced, and I actually think without that, I might not have such a good relationship with my father (who I am much more like as an adult than my mother) or the family on his side, because of how my mom made it us against him when I was little. Im not saying that its ok for parents to openly derisively mock their children or laughing at their failures or their humiliation. I have to agree. Im going to disagree here, Wendy, and say that I think your response is filtered through your own happy, loving experience. For older adults, taking away their driving privileges can be traumatic and can even cause depression. LWs daughter should definitely be involved with some enriching activities, but theres no harm at all in loving media. A game of Munchkin would be fun for all its geek references for you, and is playful enough that your husband might enjoy it. Ross was telling me the other day that his dad took him deep sea fishing a couple times when he was younger. My stepfather and my mother told me I was weird and that Id regret it because Id never be popular or normal, or get boys to like me. If your husband wants a good relationship with his daughter he must first quit disparaging her and her interests and he must quit rolling his eyes. I cant concentrate, I get bored, shit distracts me, I have to deal with the kids/dogs/etc and then people bitch Im not there to play, then I play badly as Im not paying attention.. so I try to get out of it then get all snitty reactions since Im not joining in having fun. We and our partners use cookies to Store and/or access information on a device. Janet got the love and affection of a parent from the old maid who raised her. It cant be. Of course its going to drive her away from him. You are actually the only other person not from Scranton that has known what the show was! Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. He had an inflated sense of self-importance that led him to believe he was superior and entitled to only the best. They can work together to work on his father-daughter relationship but if his attitude doesnt change itll be that much harder. I tried to go fishing with my dad a few times when I was younger and it was the most boring thing on the planet. Seriously? She along with his son & ex wife all live 3000 miles away. We had some past issues that affected our relationship. Should A Parent Love Their Child More Than Their Spouse? He and I read together every night when i was little, and I remember reading beauty and the beast with him, which I cant imagine was his first choice. On the other hand it takes work for my mom and I to have things to bond over most of our conversations revolve around cooking (her passion that my sister did not pick up) and our dogs (unfortunately our dogs dont get along but we still trade dog stories all day). My first question is, would he want you to go with them when they go camping/hiking/whatever? Try to get him to nix the assignments things (because, I mean, UGH) and remind him that shes only TWELVEshell eventually grow out of the fangirldom. She gets too invested in her daughters life. Many things can contribute to this type of conflicts, such as personality clashes or differing parenting styles. Maybe he can break out the old Van Halen or Metallica for her to listen to and you know, maybe she will just really like it. We still dont have a great relationship, mostly because he is an authoritarian asshole in a lot of other ways, but if he wasnt such a bully and tried to meet my sister and I halfway, we probably wouldnt hate him as much as we do. EVER. He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed, to the extent that he gives her assignments, like reading articles from National Geographic and discussing them with him, which, of course, she resents. Im doing everything I can to make things work between us. Yeah, in retrospect, it probably would have been better for me to join a team sport I actually wanted too, but 7th grade me was too shy to do it. July 2, 2013, 11:17 am, Skyblossom We cant watch anything on TV or listen to anything in the car related to her interests while hes around, and if we are talking about something he will sometimes break in and tell us to stop because it annoys him. How does an interest in science and creativity equal boring? Give up some of your precious one-on-one time with your daughter so that your husband can take her hiking or camping or to a science museum. Weird. The wife should be supportive of his efforts, but he needs to act like a grown man and stop being so selfish. Ha! At a certain point you just have to laugh at all the differences and enjoy the fact that the other person is having a good time! Encourage her to have fun with him. I understand how you might be torn how easy it might be to embrace every second you have with her when you know all too soon, shell outgrow her fangirl stage, or at the very least, embrace additional teen-related obsessions, thereby reducing the time she cares to spend with you, and then soon after shell be leaving you and heading off for adventures of her own, away from you and her dad. Neither father or daughter should make disparaging remarks about the other and you shouldnt make disparaging remarks about your husband. Its also important to take into account your daughters age and stage of development. Other times, you may have felt you were doing everything right to get a predictable outcome, but your efforts were unproductive or even erased. If a father is not present in his daughters life, she may feel neglected and unloved. It's as though he can't stop himself from being dictatorial, negative or critical, and all this has done is drive them away. My Husband Is An Angry Parent And I Hate It. My parents did stuff with me because I wanted to and vice versa, of course thats important! Im not even saying all of the things listed are mature and intelligent, but that people can be smart and informed and still like these things. But since I knew his motivation for liking things was less about me than it was about his own inadequacy, and I didnt actually like him as a person. July 2, 2013, 12:00 pm, Haha, I know your story honey, and am very jealous of your mom. Maybe they both like pizza or Indian food or something; then Dad can take her out to dinner or cook with her. But I loved my dad and my mom encouraged me and sometimes when I was being a brat prodded me -into hanging out with my dad. Im not trying to argue with you Mark, I see your point and agree with much of it I just think its possible that the daughter is the one who introduced Mom to some of these things, and Mom became a fan. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. A perfect starting point would be just a general interest activity, like board games or going to get ice cream. Its a really nice time to shoot the shit and get your head clear fishing can be very enjoyable, plus you have a free meal at the end of it! It is best to talk with a counselor or therapist if you believe there is serious dysfunction in your marriage. I agree mostly with your last paragraph, but I wonder how close the LWs perception of the assignments is to reality or whether it might actually be closer to what you described. This kind of self-awareness is never easy, and it is likely that he may need some professional help to overcome whatever it is that prevents him from opening up with those closest to him. Awesome. Its already happening. He is an adult and should act like one- his daughter will model her behavior off of his and what she is learning now is why bother respecting those with different interests. So if you lend your car to your best friend, your sister or even your second cousin, your insurance is most often the insurance that will pay in the event of an accident. I was thinking this too. You can look at him as a mean bully, like you do, or an involved father who is trying to raise a well rounded child. So I cant agree that it is never ok. Theres a true difference between good natured humor and cruelty (even if some people claim it is the the former when it is really the latter) and kids need to be exposed to the former. But you do so at your husbands expense, your daughters expense, and possibly the expense of your marriage. Mother of a Fangirl. His dad wasnt a particularly avid fisherman, he just thought it would be a good father-son activity. Thinks hes hilarious). I think the disparaging, if nothing else, has got to stop. One other thought is that, maybe this really isnt about the daughter, but about her and her husband, she references herself a lot in this letter, and maybe she really has a problem with the way he treats her, but she just doesnt want to admit it.
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